Bearing my Cross

Topic at hand: the psychological gesture.

It's been on my heart to write for a while, but creativity was refusing to sing within me; I had lost focus, passion, desire to write to you: my audience. I'm sad and sorry for the time I've been lost in my own little world of worries.

But I'M BACK!

Orthodoxy seems to be the constant in my life now. The Reason I moved to San Francisco, the mystically practical Foundation upon which I am building the rest of my life, the Hallowed Ground where I have been meeting with our Lord. If you want to hear me talk passionately about something, a guarunteed way of getting me to LAUNCH into excitement is: The Church.

Attention theater friends: I had a super cool revelation during morning prayers at Raphael House today. I understood that crossing myself is a) SO important for me and b) why it is so important for me. The answer comes straight out of my Acting II classes when Mitchell was teaching us about "psychological gestures."

Mitchell described how we could engage our imagination, our inner life by "sending energy." We would do exercises like "Soaring" to Sting's "Shape of my Heart," and focus intently on lifting only our right hand with "soft focus" and imaginative energy. The result was a breathtaking stage of Fully Committed actors who sent energy out of their fingertips like water moving in slow motion through air. The intentionality of that simple motion gave each actor the overwhelming power of a sorcerer calling the air to his service. The motion was Full of life force.

"Crossing oneself" is for me the fulfillment of this theatrical idea. To send a gesture back into oneself is... insanely powerful. The motion, the energy, the intentionality becomes completely personal, a gesture made by yourSelf for yourSelf with specific meaning to yourSelf. However, it is not just any gesture of the imagination, as Chekhov explores in the world of acting. The cross is an ancient symbol, the symbol for Christians to "take up" as they deny themselves. So every time I draw this gesture into my body, I am forced to ask, "What is my cross?" I must crucify the vices of the first Adam even as I take on the Virtues of Christ. I often make the gesture to the words, "Father, Son, and Holy Spirit," an invocation of the Godhead, the Triune Harmony, who invites me into relationship by taking up my Cross. I brand myself with Light, even as I internalize the whole message of the saving Gospel. Prayer and action and form collide in this quiet act, this crucifix blessing.

Father John told me in our first meeting to cross myself; I see now the wisdom of his counsel. By crossing myself, I send the Story into mySelf.

To you, my readers, I highly suggest trying it. In my experience, the outer form gives freedom to inner life. Christ is faithful to bless even the humblest effort.

In Peace, your Servant,
Zak